By Liz (mom to Sunday, pre-3s
As parents, we want our children to grow up to be happy and successful, but we also want our children to be good, kind people who care about others. In a recent New York Times article, Raising a Moral Child, by Adam Grant, the author describes some of the current research and beliefs about how to guide children to be generous and caring.
Grant reports that praise is more effective than rewards for acknowledging good behavior. To avoid labeling a child as either good or bad, some parents try to compliment the behavior, not the child. However, in one research study, children were much more generous after their character had been praised than after their actions had been complimented. This suggests that when talking to kids, using nouns rather than verbs is effective. For example, saying “be a helper” or “don’t be a cheater” versus asking a child “to help” or telling them not “to cheat” can be particularly influential even for preschoolers. Praising good behavior seems to be particularly influential for children developing a stronger sense of identity, which happens after the age of 5, where the notion of generosity seems to matter closer to age 8.
In contrast to praise, how we response to bad behaviors is also important. Children typically feel shame or guilt in response to a bad behavior and it seems to matter which feeling the child experiences. According to the article, we need to teach kids to feel guilt rather than shame when they misbehave if we want our children to care about others. So what is the difference and how do we teach kids to feel guilt instead of shame? Shame is a negative judgment about self, while guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which can be repaired by good behavior. Expressing disappointment is a type of guilt response. When expressing disappointment, it is important to explain why the behavior was wrong, how it affected others, and how the child can remedy the situation. Grant suggests saying, “You’re a good person, even if you did a bad thing, and I know you can do better.”
According to Grant’s article, even the most carefully worded lesson cannot compare to the power of showing children generosity through our own actions. In fact, one experiment showed that kids were most generous after observing the adult’s giving behavior (donating tokens to charity) without any verbal lecture before or afterward.
Bottom line: Treat others the way you want to be treated. Your kids will be watching and learning.
The full text article, Raising a Moral Child, by Adam Grant, can be found here.
Image credit, here.